


I'll Be The Healer to Your Knight

by Oreon7



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Physical Abuse, TWhomophobia, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-10-19 02:30:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17592932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oreon7/pseuds/Oreon7
Summary: Nothing went wrong when Jongho came out to his parents at the age of 13. His parents accepted it. They couldn't care less even. The weight that he had been carrying practically flew away from his shoulders. Everything is going to be okay, he realized.One year later, laying prone in his uncle's basement, he laughed bitterly through the pain in his cracked ribs at the thought that he would ever be accepted for who he is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: internalized homophobia, homophobia, angst, abuse, not for the faint of heart
> 
> (I love ateez so much but then I write crap like this, but don't worry, as of now there will be a happy ending...  
> ... I really hope its happy or my heart will break writing this

Wooyoung smiled apprehensively as everyone sat around the kitchen table together. Hongjoong smiled back from across the table, encouragingly. ‘You said you had something you wanted to tell us?’ Wooyoung hummed in response, the tips of his ears turning red. 

‘I’m not sure how everyone will react to this but,’ Wooyoung reached his hand out to Yunho who readily accepted it. ‘Yunho and I are dating,’ Yunho stared at Wooyoung in shock. 

‘Wait whAt?’ San’s voice cracked in his surprise. ‘For real? That’s amazing!’

‘Wooyoung-ah!’ Yunho exclaimed, torn between laughing and being horror-struck. Wooyoung looked at him, wide-eyed. ‘I- Isn’t telling the others something we should’ve discussed prior to the actual doing it?’ Wooyoung blinked at him, mouth parting in confusion. Everyone turned to Wooyoung, alarmed. 

‘Oh… I…’ Wooyoung’s eyebrows furrowed. ‘I thought we did discuss- was that a dream?!’ Yunho stared at Wooyoung in awe. Seonghwa snickered slightly into his hand and San fell on the floor, cackling. Mingi was laughing at the pair and Yeosang just smiled benevolently. Burying his face into his hands, Wooyoung groaned in embarrassment. Hongjoong looked at the mess that was his members and cleared his throat.

‘Well, I don’t have a problem with that, but please make sure to communicate? And not just in dreams? I want you guys to be happy, but we also need to keep our careers together, okay?’ Hongjoong said, awkwardly, but sternly. Wooyoung and Yunho turned their attention to their leader and agreed eagerly. 

Jongho kept his eyes averted, staring blankly into the table. ‘Jongho-ah?’ Already a faint pulsing could be found behind his eyes and he felt slightly nauseous. ‘Jongho-ah, do you have a problem with… us?’ Wooyoung was looking at him nervously. The other members also turned to face him, taking in his stiff posture and blank expression. Respond, you idiot. Jongho berated himself. He bit down harshly on his lip before standing up. His eyes wandered away from Wooyoung’s as he said, still in a state of shock,‘No, hyung, it doesn’t bother me.’ There was a pause as everyone eyed him, unsure what to make of his stance. ‘I-uh have to go,’ he mumbled out before rushing away from the table. 

He stumbled into the bathroom. The loud bang as he shut the door behind him hardly registered through the dullness of his mind. He didn’t bother with the lights. If he saw his reflection right now, he would probably give in to the urge to vomit. His fingers gripped the marble countertop as the rest of his body sank down to the ground. 

~~~

The joking atmosphere stilled in the absence of their youngest member. Wooyoung bit his lip, staring down at the tablecloth. ‘Did I… do something wrong?’ his voice trailed off. Yunho murmured a protest against Wooyoung’s hair as he brought him close in a gentle embrace. Seonghwa took in the situation warily. ‘I’ll go check on Jongho,’ he said. The others quietly nodded to him. 

Seonghwa knocked gently against the bathroom door. ‘Jongho-ah?’ He was greeted with silence. Pressing his lips together, he called again, ‘Jongho-ah, can we talk?’ This time, the door opened soullessly to reveal the younger, his face cast downwards to avoid Seonghwa’s searching eyes. ‘Are you okay?’ Seonghwa questioned. Jongho nodded his head, jerkily. ‘-m fine, hyung,’

‘Jongho-ah… you know you can talk to us, right?

‘Yes, hyung,’ Jongho brought his arms around himself, and the vulnerability in the gesture scared Seonghwa. He looked at Jongho, wide-eyed, unsure of what to say.  
‘-m fine, hyung,’ Jongo mumbled again as he rushed past Seonghwa and to his room.

~~~

When Mingi stepped gingerly into his and Jongho’s shared room, Jongho was already curled up on the top bunk.

‘Are you asleep?’ Mingi called, softly. 

He was greeted with silence.

~~~

Jongho’s eyes felt like they were glued together. He pushed himself up with one arm, and dragged the back of the other carelessly over his face, wincing as he felt some eyelashes tear when they separated from the rheum coating his eyes. He glanced irritably around the room, trying to adjust to the light streaming in from the window.

Hongjoong poked his head into the room, ‘Jongho-ah are you- oh, you’re awake. Come down to breakfast soon, okay?’ Jongho nodded in response and Hongjoong smiled softly at him before leaving the room.

Yeosang and Seonghwa glanced at Hongjoong when he came into the kitchen. ‘How’s Jongho-ah?’ The unspoken question hovered in the air. Hongjoong blinked at them, taking in their unwavering stares. ‘Oh, uh, Jongho-ah just woke up, and I didn’t want to bombard him with questions right away. We can just see how it goes today…? If it really doesn’t work out, then we’ll have to hold an intervention of some kind,’ they nodded solemnly at him. 

Sweeping his hair back messily, Jongho headed for the bathroom, ready to start a good day of work. A movement in the mirror caught his eye as he started to brush his teeth. The distant figures of Wooyoung and Yunho embraced each other shyly as they whispered their good mornings to each other. Jongho’s face burned as he slammed his gaze away from them to focus on something else like… oh the sink, the sink was good. 

As he stared hard at the drain, he registered the heavy discomfort that had settled into him. Part of it was simply the slight intimacy of the interaction that Jongho had no right to be looking at, but the bigger, stronger part of it was something ingrained deep into his core. He’d learned from a young age that such a sight should inspire nothing but horror and disgust, so that’s what it did. It isn’t right. He thought. What Yunho and Wooyoung have, it isn’t right. He washed his brush in the sink before heading to breakfast.

Practice wasn’t too bad. Under the watchful eye of their staff, Wooyoung and Yunho couldn’t get away with all the domesticity that they could in the dorms, so Jongho could comfortably focus on his passion, music. They had recently received their debut title track, and everyone was hard-pressed with figuring out a solid choreography for their song, Pirate King. 

‘Should we review what we got done yesterday, everyone?’ Wooyoung asked.

‘Neh~,’ they called back. The music pounded out through the system, vibrating the floor with steady beats. The run-through went smoothly, however Jongho nearly tripped during the second chorus when he had to shuffle in a weird semicircle around the members. It was a fast movement, barely noticeable to viewers if the transition went smoothly, but, for Jongho, it required a great deal of concentration, and if he wasn’t paying attention, his feet would twist underneath him, and he would stumble. 

Yunho turned the music off, smiling proudly at the members. Hongjoong returned his smile, ‘Good work everyone!’ he said, clapping his hands together. ‘From what I saw, it was pretty solid, but San and Seonghwa, be careful of your positioning during the second rap, you guys were a little too far right,’ the two members nodded at Hongjoong. A few more critiques from the other members were added before they deemed it fit to move on.

‘Let’s run through with the corrections, and then work on the choreo for the bridge, okay?’ Yunho beamed. They all had similar eyes as they stepped back into their beginning places; eyes that were sharp with concentration as they worked to make their debut perfect. 

As they started bridge part, Mingi exhaled in relief. ‘Finally, a breather,’ Yunho grinned at him devilishly, ‘Oh, but don’t forget, the dance break is coming up too,’ groaning, Mingi gave him a pained expression. Jongho intervened, throwing an arm over Mingi’s shoulders.

‘Hey, come on, hyung. Let my bro have his moment of false peace,’ he joked. The members grinned at their maknae, endeared and also hopeful that this meant things would be okay between Jongho, Yunho, and Wooyoung.

Everything was going smoothly, the simpler choreography for the bridge taking less time to create and master. All the members were sharing their input and enjoying the creative freedom that came with creating their own steps. 

‘Hey, Jongho-ah,’ Wooyoung said. ‘For this part, where we’re all in a line, what if you pull San-hyung out for his part? Hyung, you should reach your hand back so  
Jongho-ah can grab it,’ 

They did as they were told, and Jongho grasped firmly onto San’s hand before they pulled each other out of their original places and swapped spots. Everyone oohed. 

‘So cool,’ Mingi cheered, and everyone laughed. ‘So sweet!’ Wooyoung called out. Jongho snapped his gaze towards Wooyoung, his laughter dying down.

‘Yah, don’t say that. You shouldn’t talk about two guys holding hands like that, it’s weird,’ they all fell silent, gauging each others’ reactions. 

San stepped away from him. ‘Why do you say that?’ Jongho gave his hyungs a judging look. 

‘I don’t know what world you all grew up in, but there’s nothing, nothing, right about two men in a relationship,’ he snapped, making fierce eye contact with both Wooyoung and Yunho.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens. Just what is going on inside Jongho’s head?

San clenched his jaw tightly. ‘We are your  _ hyungs. _ Watch how you speak,’ Jongho turned an incredulous expression on him and started to retort before Yeosang cut him off. ‘That’s enough,’ San turned his icy expression on Yeosang. 

 

‘Let him speak, I want to see how far he’s going to dig this hole,’ San growled. Yeosang met his gaze evenly. 

 

‘I think it’s best if we all take some time to calm down. This is a sensitive topic that we-‘ San interrupted him.

 

‘Exactly. It’s sensitive topic. He doesn’t have the right to step all over something that can hurt others,’ Jongho’s scoff echoed through the air. 

 

‘Well, someone needs to teach them wrong from right,’ Jongho said. The others reached for Wooyoung as he flinched away, trying to console him.

 

‘Yah!’ San growled. He slammed into Jongho, grasping his collar and shoving him against the mirror of their practice room. Jongho’s head knocked against the glass, and he gritted his teeth in pain. San’s angry eyes filled his vision. ‘Watch your mouth or-’ Yunho yanked him away. 

 

‘San, you’re going to far,’ but even as he said it, the hurt and judging look Yunho shot Jongho gave away whose side he was really on. No one followed right away when Jongho stormed out of the practice room, but as the leader, Hongjoong was expected to take care of his members, no matter how much he disagreed with them, so that’s what he did. 

 

‘I’ll go talk to Jongho,’ Hongjoong gave Seonghwa a beseeching gaze, conveying that he needed him to take over some responsibility. Once Seonghwa nodded his head, he paused only to squeeze Wooyoung’s hand softly before heading out in search of their youngest member. 

 

~~~

 

Jongho tensed, stopping in his tracks, as he felt Hongjoong’s hand land on his shoulder. ‘Jongho-ah,’ Hongjoong said. ‘What?’ Jongho replied shortly. 

 

‘What’s the matter?’ Jongho turned towards him, scowling.

 

‘Wasn’t I clear, hyung?’ He asked. ‘ _ They’re _ the problem,’ Hongjoong raked his eyes over Jongho’s face, trying to fit this image of Jongho with the one he had always known. The kind, light-hearted, and inclusive Jongho he had become friends with. 

 

‘But why does it matter?’ Hongjoong pressed, trying to understand. Jongho blinked, caught off guard by the question. 

 

‘B-because they-’ Jongho faltered, not really sure what he was trying to say. 

 

‘Everyone is different, everyone is unique. This is just another small part of Wooyoung and Yunho that makes them different from, say, you and me. They are still your hyungs, and they still deserved to be treated with respect,’ 

 

‘I-what?’ He felt his body start to sweat.  _ He’s so accepting…  _ Jongho thought, confused.  _ How is that possible? I just… that isn’t normal.  _ ‘Hyung… but it’s  _ wrong,’ _

 

Hongjoong’s eyes darted downwards when he caught Jongho’s hands starting to shake. His voice softened. Unlike San, while Hongjoong did have a clear stance on the topic, he also understood how difficult it was to change a long-held belief.

 

‘Jongho-ah, I understand that this might be difficult to wrap your head around right now. You can take your time…’ Jongho felt the world shake. He was so  _ confused.  _

 

‘But hyung,’ his voice cracked and he choked on his words. ‘That’s a fact,’ He stumbled from his standing position, landing hard on the ground. Hongjoong gaped at him in shock. ‘Hyung, that’s a fact! Why are you telling me that being- being like that is right when it’s a fact that it _isn’t_?’

 

‘What? Jongho-ah, are you okay?’ He snapped out of his daze and knelt in front of Jongho. His hands hovered uncertainly, taking in that it was not just Jongho’s hands that were shaking anymore, but that his whole body was trembling like a leaf in the wind.

 

‘Hyung, that hurts people…’ Jongho was gasping for breath. He couldn’t find a part of the world that still made sense. 

 

‘It doesn’t hurt people,’ Hongjoong frantically reassured, unsure of what else to do. 

 

‘But it does,’ Jongho covered his head with his arms. His voice was so small. With Jongho’s words buried and disrupted by his distraught breathing, Hongjoong didn’t even register his next words. 

 

~~~

 

Mingi’s long legs carried him quickly through the building.  _ Where are they?  _ He wondered. He heard a faint shout echo through the halls. As he ran closer, he spotted two of his members crouched on the ground. ‘What’s going on?’ he shouted in concern. 

 

‘I don’t know!’ Hongjoong said, desperately. He was rubbing Jongho’s back to reassure him, but he didn’t think it was working. Mingi’s mind went blank when he took in Jongho’s state.  _ What do I do?  _ He wondered. The sharp gasps punctuating the air scattered his thoughts.

 

~~~

 

The panic muted Jongho’s senses, both shrouding and filling him, until a dizzy, dreamlike feeling expanded with it causing his gasping to lessen. His eyes opened to reveal the dark color of his pants. He blinked to clear his vision, and his body relaxed. 

 

Mingi and Hongjoong stared at Jongho, perplexed. The air was silent and still, and

Jongho was no longer curled up in himself but, instead, looking around dazed. 

 

Colors swirled across his vision as Jongho gazed around. Everything looked… flat. Or too colorful. Or too dim. He couldn’t really tell, but something seemed off. Two faces were hovering next to him, looking worried. He tilted his head to the side, puzzling over them. 

 

‘Jongho-ah… are you alright?’ Hongjoong asked. It took Jongho a while to process those words, as if they were floating to him from a cloud in the sky, or maybe he was the cloud. He hummed in response. He felt fine. Good, in fact. Kind of… floaty, almost. He stood up and started walking. 

 

‘Where are you going?’ Mingi blurted. 

 

Jongho turned to look at him, a perplexed expression on his face.  _ Why are they talking to me?  _ He wondered.  _ Do I have to respond? _ It took almost too much effort to open his mouth. ‘Dorm,’ he said, as though that answered his hyung’s question. Mingi and Hongjoong however were still lost. 

 

‘But… are you okay? Are you going to explain what happened?’ Hongjoong questioned. Mingi felt himself growing irritated with the confused expression Jongho kept flashing them, and it only increased when Jongho turned his back and continued walking. 

 

‘Are you serious right now?’ He exclaimed, incredulously. The words faded to background noise in Jongho’s head. Hongjoong gently placed his hand on Mingi’s arm. 

 

‘I’ll go with him,’ Hongjoong started after Jongho.

 

Mingi stood, watching their distancing figures, still very much confused. ‘What the heck?’ he said to himself.

 

~~~

 

Jongho stepped into his room.  He glimpsed his night clothes folded neatly next to his towel. There was a sense of familiarity to the items. He grabbed them and headed to the bathroom. He set his clothes near the sink and tossed his towel over the shower rod. As he stepped out of his day clothes, his reflection blinked at him, scrutinizing. His body was muscular and solid. His arms were sculpted, and his figure was something that other idols would envy. He prolonged his gaze into the mirror, a deviation from his usual routine. His eyes fell where they usually never looked… at the sharp, white lines that criss-crossed his left rib cage. His eyes lingered over them, only vaguely registering their presence, before he turned away and entered the shower. 

 

The glass of the shower dial felt smooth on his skin when he pressed his hand against it. It seemed habitual as he twisted the dial hard to the left. The feeling of water sliding over his body was comforting, and the pipes hummed a little as the hot water finally kicked in.

 

He stood still as the water fell over his skin and tinted his skin pink. The fuzzy, content feelings faded away as the scalding water brought him back to himself. His eyes wandered, taking in the white tile of the shower as though for the first time. 

 

~~~

 

 _Click. Click._ _Click. Click._ Seonghwa rolled over in his top bunk. _Click, click, click, cli-cli-click cl-_

 

‘Hongjoong-ah, why are you still awake?’ Seonghwa mumbled into his pillow. 

 

‘Researching,’ Hongjoong said, distantly. Seonghwa hummed. 

 

‘Researching what?’ 

 

‘Jongho…’ Hongjoong’s voice trailed off. Seonghwa propped his head on hands, tired eyes squinting at his headboard.

 

‘You’re researching Jongho?’ Idly, he wondered if maybe Hongjoong was into Jongho.

 

‘Jongho had a panic attack, I think,’ Seonghwa stiffened, alertness flooding his brain. 

 

‘Jongho had a panic attack?’ He exclaimed, looking across the room to Hongjoong. Hongjoong sighed. 

 

‘So I take it Mingi didn’t tell you?’ Seonghwa blinked, recalling how Mingi had returned, unusually quiet, to the practice room and announced that Hongjoong and Jongho had left. At the time, he had been too focused on clearing the tension in the air to notice Mingi’s disturbed countenance. 

  
  


‘What happened?’ Seonghwa asked. Hongjoong turned his chair to face him, but he angled his head down, avoiding eye contact.

 

‘I… I confronted him after the argument and then, well, at first it was okay, but then I tried to ask him why he was so against two men being in a relationship, and he got kind of panicky and started saying it was wrong. But that was normal, right? Because, you know, he’s probably had that belief for a while-’ Seonghwa sat up.

 

‘Hongjoong-ah, you need to breathe,’ he said, trying to cut off Hongjoong’s rapidly accelerating voice, but Hongjoong couldn’t stop, the words gushing out like water from a broken pipe. 

 

‘And then he fell over.  _ Hyung _ , he just fell over. And he started saying that it was a  _ fact _ that being gay is wrong, and he started shaking-’ Hongjoong’s voice broke. ‘Hyung, he looked so small…’ Seonghwa wrapped Hongjoong in a hug, startling him because  _ when did he get down here _ . 

 

‘It’s okay,’ he said softly. ‘But where is Jongho now? Is he okay?’ Hongjoong sniffled, relaxing into Seonghwa’s arms. 

 

‘That’s the other thing I don’t get, hyung. All of a sudden, he just stood up and left. It was like his emotions just switched off, and then he was fine,’ Seonghwa furrowed his brow. 

 

‘What?’ 

 

‘I don’t know, hyung,’ Hongjoong groaned. Suddenly aware of his own exhaustion, he leaned his head on Seonghwa’s shoulder. Seonghwa looked at him, taking in his tired face. 

 

‘You should sleep,’

 

‘Okay,’ Hongjoong mumbled, and stumbled towards the bottom bunk

 

As Seonghwa climbed into his own bed, he tried to make sense of what Hongjoong had told him.  _ What if Jongho had faked his panic attack?  _ He wondered, but as soon as he had the thought, a gross feeling settled in him.  _ That isn’t possible.  _ He remembered when Jongho had stepped out of the bathroom, after Yunho and Wooyoung had come out. He remembered the way Jongho had wrapped his arms around himself like he was trying to physically hold himself together.  _ There’s something we’re missing here.  _

 

~~~

 

As Hongjoong drifted off into his dreams, he heard a whisper of words on the air, words he couldn’t distinguish as real or fake.  _ ‘But it does, hyung. When people are gay, they get hurt,’ _

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...hi guys, it’s only been like two months, that’s not long AT ALL. Ha. Ha.
> 
> After I uploaded the first chapter, I kind of just let it be for a couple weeks, and then I got around to checking my inbox and I realized that it was received fairly positively, so I planned to update with a second chapter soon, but life was busy and excuses, excuses, excuses. 
> 
> That being said, I am very happy to finally present you with the second chapter, and from here on out, there will be a more concentrated effort to get these chapters out every week or two. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please let me know your thoughts/feelings.
> 
> <3 Oreon7

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everyone! It's been a long time since I've posted on AO3, but I'm excited to be back writing. Let me know your feedback and thoughts on my writing, okay? I really appreciate anything I get <3
> 
> Also, appreciation to all the people who participated in the Say My Name contest, I hope you do well! 
> 
> A couple underrated Say My Name covers:
> 
> https://youtu.be/UIPkYB61fX4  
> https://youtu.be/HGKTkOWC7Ro  
> (If y'all hv more please show me so that I can check them out, thx)
> 
> Make sure to check out Ateez's new album and live performances, they're a BOP!


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